Doggies canned in Pies

Well, here we are again nearing the end of another AFL season, the Grand Final looming next weekend. It's a menagerie fight between Cats and Dogs over a bunch of Magpies and Crows it would seem with Geelong, Collingwood, St Kilda and Footscray the prominent teams hanging in there in the finals. Oh, and the Adelaide crows are there too but we don't talk much about them 'cos they are not a Victorian team. It seems that there are still the diehards that believe the uniquely strange game that started as the VFL (Victorian Football League) should never have gone national. They take comfort in the knowledge that the Sydney Swans migrated from South Melbourne and that Brisbane's team is Fitzroy in disguise. I know diddly-squat about footy but I can't help overhearing the passionate conversations. Even those who support other sports as far removed as motorsport and yachting still know the names of the Victorian teams at the very least. It's a Melbourne thing and you can't call yourself a true local until you know a war cry or two.

I once asked why Australians couldn't just play rugby like everyone else and be happy with international competitions. The indignant answer came back; “we had to have an identity, a sport that belongs just to us. The U.S. has grid iron, there's Pacific Cricket and Canada is pretty much the only country to go nuts over ice hockey. Ergo we invent a wacky way to play football so that it will be neither soccer football nor rugby football. And it shall be known hence forth as footy.”

So how do you support footy? Well apparently you pick a team based not on form but on prejudice. You are completely within your rights to pledge allegiance using whatever criteria you wish as long as once pledged, you are a supporter for life. There's no option to change without very scary things happening to you. Your choice might have been based on lineage, who your father, grandfather, etc supported. It might have been a whimsical youthful rebellion against afore mentioned paternal influence. It might have been a team chosen in direct opposition to your husband just to piss him off and create healthy competition within the marriage. Support divides families when Mum and Dad barrack for different teams. Parent's openly vie with bribery and corruption for their children's loyalty. It's important to catch 'em while they are young and impressionable because remember, membership is FOR LIFE!

So if you are a team and your supporters have nothing to do with playing form, the idea is to get yourself a raucously wicked war cry that will attract the masses. Hence “Go the Doggies” for the Western Bulldogs and “Carn the Pies” to mimic the call of the Collingwood Magpies. This team would better get my allegiance if said pies were actually handed out free at games but apparently it's not what the cry means. That's all it takes apparently, a cry that sounds fantastic when bellowed at the top of cigarette graveled lungs.

So who does this fresh blood new Melbourne immigrant barrack for? Well I give as much toss about it as I do the back end of a rat which means that my allegiance is up for grabs based purely on the best pie deal. Yes that is correct, I am corruptible and my support is for sale. But remember folks, I'm a vego and have yet to be offered a really good, innovative pastry meal so you will need a sophisticated pie offer to tempt me to your team.