To Go or Not To Go, that is your question?

Many people have commented on my courage upping sticks and heading to Melbourne where I know no one. They tell me I am braver than they are. I will admit to having had brief moments of doubt early on as I weighed up the pros and cons and the uncertainties. Now however, I don’t feel so much brave, as buoyed by the prospect of the adventure I am about to have. I give up my steady job to be a committed writer, have vacated my home, sold a lot of my things and put the rest into storage. I allow myself four months to make it happen and then I come back to reality with a fresh perspective, new lease on life, satisfied. A new woman!

Some weeks ago, I took off for a weekend during a particular piece of bitter winter weather to make the hard crunch-time decision of whether to go or stay. I needed total isolation to search my soul, breathe, reflect, cry the odd self-pitying tear and test my resolve by being completely alone. How well did I do? Well it sounds silly but I slept a night in my car to test the degree of discomfort and loneliness I could endure. Okay so at this point you are thinking – ha, little rich girl playing at being homeless waif but I wanted to know where the tipping point for my comfort zone was and I didn’t reach it sleeping semi-rough in winter. I might have been sleeping in the back of a Starlet but I was well prepared with sleeping bag, pillow and extra blanket. That, I guess is the difference between choosing to sleep rough and needing to. I am lucky though, I have the knack of falling asleep practically anywhere. It’s the waking up with the crick that is literally a pain in the neck.

That weekend was about relocating my inner peace, recently misplaced. To the outside world, the expression on my face must have looked troubled but it was in fact, torn. I was torn between the safe road and the road less ordinary. The reason for separation that weekend was to ensure that the decision regarding my immediate future was mine and not mine influenced by everyone else giving well-meaning advice. When I returned, I felt drained, burning inside with a cold-fever, tired and in desperate need of a long soak in a hot bath full of scented roses - ahhhh. I had a decision but my resolve still a little shaky. The first people I told were my parents. My steady father, love you by the way Dad ;-) told me I was a fool. Resolve trembled but the more I voiced my intention, announcing it to the world, the more solid and tangible it became. The deep breaths also helped fortify.

After all, I have the chance of seeing my dreams come true. At the very least, I am giving it a go and will never feel I have let this opportunity to do something impressive pass me by. Carpe Diem! Potentially I have always been daring underneath this mild exterior because I have made a point throughout my life of identifying opportunities and going for them. Fearless or foolish? You decide.

An aging Mobile Library customer of mine once said to me, “If someone offers you the chance to try something different dear, take it. You never know what worlds you might discover of which you previously knew nothing.” I think I just put that more eloquently than old Mrs R. who was after all 90 and losing her mind but I got her drift and have applied her advice often. And incidentally, the philosophy still allows me to be discerning. I can honestly say that I gave careering on a bike through forests of tree trunks an honest go and that particular mania is just plain not for me! Skiing…ok I get that one...sometimes.

Point is…I want to know when standing at 120 looking back on my life, that I have truly lived. Success or failure is of no consequence, I will have given it all a go and there is achievement in that alone. Besides, I don’t fear failure, not in the least. Failure is part of being human, it gives us humility and resolve. I don’t feel brave going to Melbourne because I know that I gain more from the journey than I risk losing. I have commitment, passion and imagination, what more do I need right at this moment other than the back of a Starlet to sleep in?