I'm on a Mission from Blog

I have been told that it is possible to get from La Trobe Street to Flinders Station without crossing a road so today I am on a mission to prove it or otherwise. The nine blocks I have to cross in sixty seconds are: La Trobe, Little Lon, Lonsdale, Lt Bourke, Bourke, Lt Collins, Collins, Flinders Lane and Flinders Street. I'm kidding about the sixty seconds but this message will destruct in five.

1.35pm: I take the time on the giant pocket watch at Melbourne Central before I begin and start the clock. So far I have traversed from La Trobe through Melbourne Central across the skybridge over Lonsdale to Myers. Here I come a bit unstuck trapped in the maze of this institutional department store. It was my mother's dream store come true when we came as a family to Melbourne in the early 1990s. With the amount of time I spent in there on that visit you would think that the Pavlov's Dog trigger would kick in to navigate me smoothly through, but no. No, because I feel incredibly claustrophobic in this low ceilinged, packed to the gunwales store. Everywhere I look there are granny knickers, comfy shoes, pillow slips and doilies and I don't know where to turn to escape the blue rinse. I exaggerate of course Myers is Melbourne's Smith and Caughey, every city has one, a store catering to the old world and ladies who lunch when they can afford to. Myers has a certain charm but at the moment as I pass through the Foodwalk for the third time and still don't know how I managed to loop the floor to get there, I am not feeling in the slightest bit charmed. Just let me outta here, I want to scream at the arrows that seem to point in every direction. I hear that not long after I finally did escape there was a fire in a lift well and I just have to state it was not sabotage and it was not me.

But on with Mission Impossible. 2.20pm: Thinking @$%& so much for the clock racing, I manage with a bit of underground sneakiness to connect from the Little Bourke Street entrance of Myers across the road to the Bourke Street section of this massive store. Like its next door neighbour David Jones, Myers covers four floors of two blocks with the one store so it gets mighty confusing keeping track of which particular section you might be in. I can be forgiven for losing my natural compass in here when the chances of seeing daylight are as slim as meeting the Pope in a porn shop.

All the signage in Myers points me out on to Little Bourke Street but I refuse to be defeated when I know that there is a second Myers on the other side. It must be possible to get there from here even if I have to cajole a staff member to let me crawl through the air conditioning ducts. However I cunningly manage to find a legitimate route via the underground Basement bargain section. Triumphant I pop up now in Bourke Street.

Here I attempt to cheat slightly by nipping next door to David Jones because the split between the two parts of this shop happens between Bourke and Little Collins. It's 2.30pm, I study the floor plan and stand around looking hopelessly lost, something I became well practised at in Myers, until a shop assistant asks if I need help. I explain my mission but sadly she shakes her head. There are no underground routes or skybridges across Bourke Street. I rather suspected as much but it was worth a go. Instead I opt for Union Lane which is the state approved street art site. 2.40pm, the walls of this narrow lane are decorated with elaborate and colourful art graffiti to reward me for having to emerge onto the street at this point. Unfortunately the lane is too narrow to fully appreciate the larger than life designs but cheers to Melbourne's bureaucrats for sponsoring creativity of this kind.

2.50pm, at this point my mission having been foiled, I settle for making it to Flinders Street Station via the network of lanes, alleys and arcades. I have asked several local shop and cafe staff and no one can think of a way to get me across Collins Street either so the mission needs to be abandoned for today. 3.00pm, as the sunny eighteen degree day promised by the weather report has not eventuated, I am not properly dressed for the overcast fourteen. Truth be told, frozen fingers was my primary motive for changing my original plan to take on this mission. People who know me well will be nodding and saying uh-huh, that I rarely dress appropriately for the weather and am always either hot or cold but I have been doing so well lately, honest. Trouble is that the temperature can change on a whim if the sun decides not to come out reminding me that it's not summer yet. The weather in Melbourne must be a woman.

3.10pm, so the route I now take acting on good advice, is through the cafes on The Block Arcade in order to stop for a double shot cappuccino and a chance to write this. 3.50pm, across Collins Street to The Centreway Place leads me through Little Collins to Degraves Lane. Here I can finally take an underground passage direct to the station and hey presto, mission all but accomplished. It may not be possible to cross every intersection in the inner city circuit avoiding street traffic but it certainly is possible for seven of the nine.